Why feminism is hard in practice
I read Untamed by Glennon Doyle as part of a book club earlier this year. Glennon is a Christian blogger who writes about her life and motherhood. This book was a particular coming out for her as she announced that she had left her husband and married Women's soccer star, Abby Wambach. She addresses themes such as teaching your children to be strong, female empowerment and self-belief, racism, being true to yourself, etc.
Overall, It was a good read but it wasn't really a book. It was a bunch of blog posts strung together and then linked beginning and end with an animal analogy.
A lot of this book is about the author falling in love and then building her life abound Abby. And, for some, that feels fluffy.
I hesitate to recommend this book to men.
I’m like, eh, won’t get it. Won’t like it. Even my book club (6 women) who discussed it, hedged. And hedged hard. There was a lot of “I liked parts of it” and “seemed a little over the top” and “maybe a bit over-dramatized'“
My theory is that they don’t want to be seen as weak. As nonintellectual. Not rigorous.
Glennon makes some important points using stories.
Stories that we’ve all experienced.
Stories that we know are, at least kinda, true.
Like this story
I was at one of Tish’s soccer games, and there was a girl on the other team who was just rubbing me the wrong way. I could tell by the sideline body language and eye-rolling that she was also rubbing several of my soccer-mom friends the wrong way. I watched her pace fully, trying to figure out why this girl was activating us. I noticed that she walked with her head held high and with a big of a swagger. She was good, and she knew it. She went in for the ball often and hard, like a girl who knows her own strength and talent. She smiled the whole time, like all of this was easy for her, like she was heaving the time of her life. All of this just annoyed the hell out of me.
She was twelve.
I saw with my feelings and I realized: The knee-jerk reaction I’m having to this girl is a direct result of my training. I have been conditioned to mistrust and dislike strong, confident, happy girls and women. We all have. Studies prove that more powerful, successful, and happy a man becomes, the most people trust and like him. But the more powerful and happy a woman becomes, the less people like and trust her. So we proclaim: Women are entitled to take their rightful place! Then, when a women does take her rightful place, our first reaction is: she’s so … entitled. We become people who say of confident women, “I don’t know, I can’t explain it — it’s just something about her. I just don’t like her. I can’t put my finger on why.”
I can put my finger on why: It’s because our training is kicking in through our subconscious. Strong, happy, confident girls and women are break our culture’s implicit rule that girls should be self-doubting, reserved, timid, and apologetic. Girls who are bold enough to break those rules irk us. Their brazen defiance and refusal to follow directions make us want to put them back into their cage.
Girls and women sense this. We want to be liked. We wanted to be trusted. So we downplay our strengths to avoid threatening anyone and invoking distain. We do not mention our accomplishments. We do not accept compliments. We temper, qualify, and discount our opinions. We walk without swagger, and we yield incessantly. We say “I feel like” instead of “I know”.
I find that story relatable.
On both sides of the equation.
If you’ve experienced enough people trying to put you back in a cage with enough rigor, well, you learn to pass down the message.
And that, right there, is why feminism is difficult in practice.